The Perfect Sin Read online

  The Selfish Heart

  written by The Blakk Dahlia

  from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series

  This is a work of fiction, although experiences are based on some true events of the author. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is coincidental.

  Cover Copyright © 2020 by E. Alexcina Brown

  Cover design by Fearless Vision Marketing

  Author Photo Credit: Joe Miles

  THE PERFECT SIN

  the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series.

  February 29, 2020.

  Copyright © 2020 The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown).

  Written by The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown).

  Published by The Blakk Dahlia 2020.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  The Dedication

  Contents

  Chapter 1: Storytime

  Chapter 2: No Introduction Needed

  Chapter 3: The Ride

  Chapter 4: Lunch and Learn

  Chapter 5: Harmless Attraction?

  Chapter 6: Best-Friendly Reminders...

  Chapter 7: Slipping into Sin

  Chapter 8: Know Thy Position and Take Control

  Chapter 9: “I Deserve Him”

  Chapter 10: “Ready” for A Separation

  Chapter 11: An Honest Woman

  The Diary

  Chapter 12: Disruptive Flames

  Chapter 13: Bad Birthday

  Chapter 14: Was It All Worth It?

  “Sometimes, we get just what we want...then it torments us forever.” | - The Blakk Dahlia

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  Further Reading: Wrong Vengeance

  Also By The Blakk Dahlia

  About the Author

  The Dedication

  This book is dedicated to the ones torn down by life. Don't make senseless heart-decisions from “rock bottom”.

  I also want to dedicate this to the unknown hearts broken because of selfish actions. Keep your cool & keep loving yourself.

  Contents

  Chapter 1: Storytime

  Chapter 2: No Introduction Needed

  Chapter 3: The Ride

  Chapter 4: Lunch and Learn

  Chapter 5: Harmless Attraction?

  Chapter 6: Best-Friendly Reminders...

  Chapter 7: Slipping into Sin

  Chapter 8: Know Thy Position and Take Control

  Chapter 9: “I Deserve Him”

  Chapter 10: “Ready” for A Separation

  Chapter 11: An Honest Woman

  The Diary

  Chapter 12: Disruptive Flames

  Chapter 13: Bad Birthday

  Chapter 14: Was It All Worth It?

  Chapter 1: Storytime

  How did I end up alone, surrounded by darkness, and the stillness of time? I can’t feel the rise and fall of air wavering in my lungs, confirming my existence. My vision has been traded for blindness. I’m deaf to whatever may be on the other side of sealed eyes, as my ears have failed me in connecting sounds to my brain. Is this what the end feels like? I’m fighting to keep my mind off death but the longer I wait, the more I think it’s coming.

  Abandoned within a realm of the unknown is frightening, especially in a place of looking forward to more unknown. Why am I without him? He held me in his arms moments before I became boxed into this abyss of nothing. Where am I?

  Maybe the space is an outset for rebirth. Perhaps I’m waiting for a chance to undo the damage and make the right choices. I’d be so fortunate to get that kind of offer from God. Hell, who am I kidding? That love was so good I’d make the same decisions.

  I expected my entire life to flash before my eyes. Instead, my flashes are the short moments before him, EVERYTHING during time him, and being left with the nothingness of “after”. Decisions made from my heart and selfishness brought me here. My strong love for him stripped me out of the body, leaving my soul to fend for itself. Now, all I have are memories to replay over and over. Telling the same story that I lived through and possibly died for. It’s the only thing I can do until the next phase for my inner being begins.

  Damn, this is confusing. Why can't I feel something? I yearn to open my eyes to look into his.

  Another flash is coming; I guess it’s time to relive my sin once more. Hopefully, I’ll find the answer to what’s next. I pray this time around; the story will end with him by my side.

  ~~~~~~~

  Ugh, another interview day! It had been a year since my last job, and the market didn’t treat me well. I grew exhausted sending countless resumes, completing lengthy online applications, and suffered through phone screens. All to land interviews ending with the usual “We’re currently interviewing other applicants and we’ll be making our decision soon. Thank you”.

  Yet again, I headed to another office building, dressed in the same business suit I wore three days prior, to discuss my educational background and credentials with professional strangers.

  Before hitting what most call “rock bottom”, I was on top of the world; living quite well for a 27-year old. I had a spacious townhome in the beautiful Buckhead area of Atlanta, GA. A loving relationship going three years strong, my best friends lived in Boston but I was able to visit them anytime. For the most part, I was on what society says is the right path to becoming a successful adult.

  An essential part of that path was completing my Master’s Degree program in Computer Science. I’m not the clichéd businesswoman, but I’m tech smart which equals making good money. Web development was perfect for me and my bank account. Developers aren’t doomed to long meetings eagerly attempting to impress executives who have no knowledge of managing the World Wide Web. We come to work, handle the back-end of the company's site, then go on about our way. The advanced degree was to be my extra security for promotions and higher salaries.

  Adding to feeling in top entailed my love life. It started as a cheesy film courtship where we met randomly on a hot afternoon. A sparked conversation turned into three years of being off the market. Kevin was his name, and he played a role in my story that almost solidified a future in going down the aisle one day.

  Throughout the joys of maintaining my blessings, I was ill-prepared in dealing with the reality of them slipping away one by one. Unfortunately, there’s no academic program giving lessons on how to recover and cope with losing out in life.

  On the brink of my last quarter in school, my car went out. $1,600 and five bad mechanics later, I realized the vehicle was a lost cause. Then, I lost my job. The company embellished in reporting the reason for my termination, resulting in no unemployment checks to keep me afloat. One small stupid argument with a new business manager in the break room provided the ticket to push me out. During the walk of shame with a box full of cubicle decorations in hand, old coworkers gossiped about the higher-ups looking for any reason to get rid of people due to depleting company funds. Which meant, the money went into the pockets of C-Level employees. Misconduct my ass!

  Bills drained my account, while credit card balances increased with late fees. I couldn’t pay for my last semester of school, so I had to drop out. Adding to the troubles, it was time to renew the lease for my townhome. I came to an unfortunate decision of letting my place go because I couldn’t afford it. Not renewing the lease forced me to move in with my sister, Marie, and her son, Beaux Jr. She welcomed me with open arms, but my bruised pride sunk me into a low place.

  Oh yeah, and the “good man” I thought I had, felt the need to leave me when I needed him most. Remember when I said
he played a role, it took me three years to figure out it was just that, playing a role. The breakup conversation was so pathetic now that I think about it.

  The devastation happened on the night of his birthday party. My relationship was all I had left during the turbulent time. And it lifted my spirits to be a couple on his celebratory night out. However, Kevin had other plans for me as well as how he wanted to spend his 30th birthday.

  I remember him picking out a pair of faux designer shades when he abruptly said, “I don’t think you should come”.

  His tone was careless as if he requested that I run to the store or something. It caught me by surprise because at first, I didn’t catch onto what he was trying to say.

  “Huh?” I rushed out of the bathroom, attempting to put on earrings. “Are you talking to me? Are you on the phone with someone, Kevin?”

  “I’m not on the phone, I’m talking to you, Jennifer,” Kevin replied smoothly, smiling at himself in a pair of knock-off Tom Ford Elliot glasses. “To my party tonight. I don’t think you should come.”

  I should have smacked his pompous face; looking like a stupid wannabe rapper. Although he clarified as best as he could, my mind didn’t get the message. My foolish heart was set on us going out as a couple, and remaining a couple when the night was over.

  “Kevin, what the hell are you talking about?” I laughed, trying to jog the punchline out of him. “Did you take too many shots of Hennessey?”

  “Nah.” He faced me, then bit his bottom lip. “The Henny hasn’t kicked in yet. But you need to stay home. You may not like what you see.”

  All of a sudden, Kevin became foreign to me. I didn’t recognize who I was talking to. Instead, I questioned an arrogant stranger who took over his body. Since it was his birthday, I decided to humor him for a bit. A small effort in allowing my man to feel like a king. However, it was not the right time to tap into the relationship blogs that sometimes publish irrelevant advice.

  “We’re going to the same club we go to every year for your birthday. Sitting in the same VIP section. What am I going to see, that I may not like?”

  “My friends.” He smirked.

  “I know your friends,” I smirked back, love-tapping his shoulder.

  Kevin dropped his hands and stared at me. Annoyed that I wasn’t comprehending the message. The next sentence that departed his lips was confusing, hurtful, yet eye-opening. The arrogant stranger was within him the entire time, he needed three years to develop the courage to finally emerge.

  “Look, I don’t wanna be in a relationship,” he returned to the mirror. “I’m not ready for what you’re trying to do.”

  “Kevin!” I shrieked. “Why would you say that?!”

  He looked at me again, eyes hidden behind the shades, and shrugged. “It’s the truth. You want me to be honest with you, right?”

  Resuming to admiring himself in the mirror, so casual and lax, I froze in place with hands near my ears. It was an indescribable shock that didn’t make sense. If we were to break up, he was supposed to be hurt too. But Kevin carried on as if what we shared meant nothing at all.

  My hands shook shaking from the harsh blow, causing the earrings to drop to the floor. “Why all of this now?!”

  “I’m not in love with you, Jennifer,” he antagonized, talking with his hands, “I don’t think I feel it. No, I know I don’t feel it.”

  Kevin rubbed his freshly cut waves, talking to himself in the dusty mirror. “You lookin’ good boi!”

  My heart sank to the floor, joining my feet, imaginarily cemented to the hardwood surface. The temperature outside was warm, but inside that room, a cold front surrounded us. How dare he disappoint me on a night I was looking forward to? Slowly, through Kevin’s cold words, my relationship was the last thing on my list to slip away. He, on the other hand, relished in his good looks and choice of outfit. The bastard didn’t look my way to comfort the state of mind imposed on me.

  Satisfied with his look, Kevin grabbed keys off the dresser. “Aye, I gotta head out and meet my boys. Do I need to drop you off at home?”

  “You’re serious!” I replied, garnering more disbelief.

  “Yes, I’m serious, Jenn,” he stuffed the keys in his pocket. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while. And you can’t say you haven’t felt it too.”

  “Well, we’ve had some problems but...” I tried to explain but the madwoman in me demanded more answers. “How can you drop a bomb like this, then go party? We need to talk!”

  “We ain’t talkin’,” Kevin scoffed, then pointed to the doorway, conveniently located behind me. “I’m about to go.”

  Streams of tears ruining my makeup must have jerked his heartstrings. He walked over and gave me a half-assed hug.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else to tell you,” he laughed hard. “I want to be single.”

  That statement threw me into a rage. The half-assed hug quickly turned into him holding my arms back from beating his chest.

  “Girl, what’s your damn problem? Stop!” He yelled, wrestling me.

  Hitting him was the only thing I thought to do. We were supposed to be a couple, dancing, drinking, and loving each other. Then all of a sudden, I was uninvited and single again!?!? Kevin deserved whatever blow I gave him.

  “I can’t believe you would do this to me!” I screamed, not letting up.

  Finally getting a good grip, he halted me from fighting and held me in place. “You’re making yourself look stupid, Jennifer! Stop! I gotta go!”

  I snatched away and pouted on his bed.

  “Is your sister coming to get you?” Kevin motioned his forearms towards the doorway.

  “Fuck you!” I barked.

  He backed away with a smirk and straightened the fitted shirt over his chest. Brushing the bad vibes away with his palms, he snickered. “Yea, I’ll miss that.”

  Kevin left me with a broken heart in that bedroom. Of course, I had to call my sister for a ride home. As my last effort in vindication, I left his apartment door wide open. The neighborhood thieves probably had a field day on me. Later on, I scrolled through pictures and videos, on social media, of him cuddled up with other women at the club. Those chicks weren’t even pretty. Just Instagram model wannabes looking for a VIP section and free drinks.

  An avalanche of troubles crushed me every other week. I didn’t know how to deal. It was my first “rock bottom” experience and the fall showed no mercy.

  I grew tired of living with my sister, and her son. I appreciated her taking me in, but I craved independence. I prayed constantly to find my way back to living like a normal adult. After spending half the year on a couch feeling sorry for myself, I made an effort to put my life back together.

  Back to the job interview. There I was, sitting across from Kelly and Michael. Two managers from the web department at a company that sold life insurance to global corporations. According to the online ad, they were in dire need of a developer to help maintain and fix web issues. Of course, I could do the job, but the thing was, convincing them enough to say, “You’re hired.”

  “What would your past employers say about you, Jennifer?” Kelly asked in an upbeat tone.

  Her tone matched the animated manner, responding with a grand reaction to every word. She was tall, slim, dark brown hair styled in a mid-length bob, and appearing to be easy to get along with. Either that or the woman was a damn good actress.

  Hell, go call them. Was my first thought after the question, wearing a fake smile.

  I tried to control my expression. Growing exhausted with hearing the question at every interview. The same answer, with the same tone, flowed as if it were the first time I’d been asked.

  “They would say that I’m a hard worker, pays close attention to detail, and works well under pressure,” I replied in my rehearsed voice. “And a team player.”

  While Kelly gushed, jotting notes, Michael, on the other hand, sat next to her with a blank stare and body language showing he was unimpressed.
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  He was a dick. Michael didn’t have to say one word before I knew he was a dick. Short, pudgy, and sat with a masculine resting bitch face. I had no chance of impressing him, so I didn’t bother to try. Unless he addressed me personally, my focus remained on Kelly sitting in her bubble of positivity.

  “Can you elaborate on a time when you had to tell a C-level executive no?” he asked in a bland tone, bobbing his head with each word.

  I told them no, and they moved on with their lives. I thought again.

  I took a deep breath, preparing another rehearsed answer. Before I could speak, Michael’s attention went towards someone outside the glass office behind me. Whoever it was changed his mood. Seconds later, he was doing the “man point” with an open-mouthed smile. I didn’t even bother to turn around to see who it was. I didn’t care, I was ready to go.

  That interruption was rude. However, I hoped the small disturbance made them forget about me answering the stupid question. We didn’t resume the interview immediately, Kelly and Michael chatted about the brief encounter.

  “D is a mess,” Kelly laughed, slapping a hand on the notebook sitting in front of her.

  “He is. I lost a bet on the game last night,” Michael said, then looked over to me, clearing his throat, remembering that I was in the room. “I’m sorry Jennifer, continue please.”

  I smiled to cover up my irritation, then continued. “In my last position, we had a request from the Chief Marketing Officer....”

  I can’t remember the fabricated story about the CMO, but it must have impressed them. Michael’s face turned from bland to slightly pleased. Or it could have been because of that “D” character gesturing from the other side of the glass.

  “Do you prefer working on a team or independently?” Kelly asked, jotting more notes.

  What the hell could she be writing? I thought. I haven’t answered yet.

  I shook away the devilish mental conversation, channeling a positive attitude with my reply. “Both. In our line of work, it calls for independence due to the type of demands. However, I’ve performed well in the past with team projects. I’m not afraid to ask for help, when needed, and give help when my expertise can assist in any way possible.”